I found out this evening that my father, Matthys Joost Rykmans, died almost 2 years ago. You might think that a strange name, but in English it loosely translates to Matthew John Rykmans, with my father's side of the family being Dutch.
It's very disconcerting to find out that your father died 2 years ago, especially when the day I found this out was on his birthday, today, 8th May. He would have been 65 years of age today. That probably goes a long way to explaining how I found this information out. Feeling particularly melancholy, I decided to contact my uncle - my father's brother - Peter, who informed me he died of emphysema two years ago in August.
I won't go into a lot of details regarding my relationship with my father, but suffice to say, he was never a true "father figure" in my life. He and my mother broke up when I was only 3 months old, and in the preceding years, I really didn't have all that much to do with him, other than the occasional weekend away at his house with his next wife, Margaret. My early memories of my father, and spending time with him, consist of me spending more time with his wife than with him. Oh, and their gorgeous Boxer dog, Bianca, and their numerous cats (my father, for all his faults, was, as I am, a cat lover), however he was never what you would call a warm or loving person, and I certainly never felt as if I meant all that much to him on my visits with him. If truth be known, I felt closer to Margaret than to him.
However, I have to say I'm still a little upset about the whole thing. I had no clue he had died. I was never informed. I didn't attend his funeral. He never even met DH Russ - nor did he know I had married almost 7 yrs ago and that I moved from Sydney to Melbourne in late 1999. His fourth wife, Marla (whom I've never met), has apparently kept his ashes at home, so I have no chance of visiting his grave site and making peace with him. Ultimately, it's a very sad situation.
I also found out, upon chatting with my Uncle Peter, that I actually have four half siblings - I knew of Michael, Yvette and Jason (although I had never met Jason, and Michael and Yvette don't remember me at all), but Shaun was a bit of a surprise. I now find myself in the position of having gone from an only child to having four half-siblings. It's going to take some time to get used to.
I also contacted Michael and Yvette this evening. I gave them my phone number and website URL, and I truly hope they keep in touch with me. They are both very young, so it might not mean all that much to them at the moment, but I'm hoping in future years, they may want to get to know me a little better, as I do them. As for Shaun and Jason, whom I've never met . . . I'm not sure what I'm meant to do about that. I have no contact number for them. Maybe they, in future, will want to get to know their big sister, and when or if that time presents itself, I'll be here waiting.
Today has certainly been an eye opener. My father has died, I find I have an extra half-sibling I never knew about, and I'm now in the position of facing my own mortality. Although my father and I were never close, and with him never having much interest in developing any sort of relationship with me, a chapter of my life is over. One of my parents has died. I suppose I should feel something more than I do . . . I do feel sad, but more for what may have been had my father been a different person - he was an extremely intelligent person, but one who was never able to show emotion and acknowledge his responsibilities. Alas, that's the way it is, and I shall have to deal with that as best I can.
So to you, Matthew John Rykmans, I have this to say. I am so very sorry you never found what you were looking for. I'm so terribly sorry you died at a relatively young age. But most of all, I'm sorry that we could not have developed a genuine father-daughter relationship. I'm sure if you had been able to get past your demons and see me for who I really was, you would have liked me . . . and I'm sure I too could have found something in you that would have made me proud to call you my father. Until we meet again, I hope wherever you are, you occasionally watch over me. When all is said and done, you were the best father you knew how to be, and I don't hold it against you that you never really knew what your role was in this relationship.
I look forward to seeing you in the next life, Dad. I'm sure we'll get it right the second time around.
Love,
Your daughter,
Suzanne
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